The Career School

In my career coaching sessions, conversations often lead to the issue of control. Let’s talk about it today.

For most people, keeping tabs on everything isn’t about power. It’s about fear.

The fear that if you loosen your grip for a moment, everything will fall apart - work, relationships, life itself. That’s why you keep checking, double-checking, reminding, and keeping everyone on their toes. And in return, you end up with burnout, frustration, sleepless nights and convinced you’re the only one keeping the show on the road.

Where does this come from?

From your childhood and past experience. Somewhere along the way, your mind decided: “If I want it done right, I have to do it myself.” Life evolved, but the script didn’t. So now you control not only your own world, but everyone else’s too - so that you can feel less anxious.

What’s the difference between control and responsibility?

Responsibility says: “This is within my sphere of influence, so this is mine to do.” Control says: “I’m responsible for everything and everyone - or else I can’t rest.”

Responsibility has boundaries. Control doesn’t.

"Controllers" don’t rest - they feel there’s no one to hand over to. Not even themselves tomorrow.

How can I know when I’m trying to control too much?

• You rewrite emails/messages six times “to ensure they get my point exactly”.
• You repeat instructions again and again, just to make sure.
• You ask people to repeat back to you what they have understood.
• You don’t delegate, “because it’s faster and more reliable to do it yourself”.
• You can’t tolerate uncertainty.
• You “just check in quickly” and get stuck for hours in the work chat.
• Every mistake feels like a catastrophe.

Now, let’s move from words to action.

Here’s a 7-day experiment to retrain your brain to tolerate partial control:

Step 1. Pick one daily control habit.

For example, checking the work chat every 5 minutes. Double-checking your team’s work. Listing 10 “what ifs” before you try something new.

Step 2. Write down what might actually happen if you let go of control - only for a short time.

Be honest and specific: For example, the report will be delayed by 2 hours. And that’s okay. The point is: the world won’t end.

Step 3. Let go of control for 24 hours.

For example, check the work chat only twice a day, at 11am and 5pm. Delegate the task, set a progress review date, and no checking in until that date. Make tomorrow’s plan today and stick to it, no matter what. 

Step 4. When the urge hits, pause.

1. Say: “This is my anxiety speaking.”
2. Breathe: inhale 4 counts, exhale 4 counts, repeat 4 times.
3. Anchor: “I’ll wait 10 minutes.” (Set a timer.)

80% of the time, the urge to get involved goes away.

Step 5. Reflect.

At the end of the day, answer these questions in writing:

• What actually happened when I didn’t intervene?
• How much time and energy did I save?
• Where else can I take my hands off the wheel?

Step 6. Repeat for 7 days.

Half-way through (days 3-4), your anxiety might escalate - that’s your brain rewiring. Push through. By days 5–7, it gets easier.

Then, pick your next control habit and repeat.

And remember: if something truly urgent happens, they’ll find you. They’ll call, they’ll come, they’ll knock on your door. Control doesn’t prevent problems. It only masks anxiety.

Let go of controlling one small thing, and you’ll discover that you can regain control (pun intended) of your own peace of mind.

And the energy you once spent keeping everything in check can finally flow into where it's needed the most.

Good luck. You’ve got this!